I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
