I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize