I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
