don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
