If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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