Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
