turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
