I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
