If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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