I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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