I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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