the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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