a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
