i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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