Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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