The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
