It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
