i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
