sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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