I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
