Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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