I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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