my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
