I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
