I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
