I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
