Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
what is it with giant penises always finding me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
