Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
