i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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