i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
