hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
