is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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