The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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