My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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