For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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