batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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