My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
