I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
