fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
