I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
