Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Of course I have a pirate flag
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
