Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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