I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
