Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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