I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
