glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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