I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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