the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
