the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
