I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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