When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
