you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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