mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
