so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
