I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Someone signed my nipple.
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