remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
