Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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